Saturday, August 13, 2005

My Pal: Crazy Ishi


Today, I would like to introduce you all to a Nakaton friend of mine, Ishi, or as he is better known in Hokkaido snack-bar circles, “Crazy Ishi.”

The above photo was taken one night after Crazy Ishi had just finished consuming his 32 bottle of shouchu. As you can clearly see, all faculties are still intact, or, maybe I should say, as intact as they could be within the mind of a raving alcoholic. When it comes to drinking, Crazy Ishi has no equal.

I happened upon this rebellious young lad one evening whilst overindulging in Japanese shouchu at the local pub. Being the friendly type, as well as the exceptionally daring, Crazy Ishi had no fear in approaching the intimidating white man within their midst, and quickly challenged me to a twofold contest of drinking and arm wrestling. As fate would have it, I won the later, but failed miserably at the former. I had truly met my match when it came to slinging back the spirits. Crazy Ishi had defeated me fair and square.

As Crazy Ishi puts it, he began his alcoholic career as a simple remedy for killing the pain of living in a dull and lifeless rural community. However, soon after taking up his new activity, it was clear to all that this boy had a talent. Even the legendary Hokkaido drunk, “Fat Ito,” couldn’t challenge him. So, in a town with little to be proud of after the potato powder factory closure and all but a handful of the youth had begun their exodus to Sapporo, they had “Crazy Ishi,” and they were proud.

Now Crazy Ishi feels a deep obligation to his community, and believes his duty is to remain here to challenge wayfaring drifters to drinking battles, so as to spread Nakaton’s fame throughout the region. In addition, Crazy Ishi makes regular out-of-town excursions to other areas to take on local hopefuls. So, Crazy Ishi’s life, although not filled with the urban excitement he had hoped for in his youth, has found a purpose and satisfaction within his sport. And, when asking him if he has any further goals for the future, he confessed, “to be the first man to break the 100 bottle mark for shouchu in a single evening. Everyone says it can’t be done. Impossible, they tell me. I want to be the one to prove them all wrong.” Well, good luck, Crazy Ishi, we’ll be routing for you.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Nakaton Pimp


If you had asked me before “Are there any Yakuza in Nakaton?” I would have laughed in your face. Yakuza! In a town of only 2,500 in the middle of freaking nowhere, a place where trees actually outnumber the citizens! You have got to be kidding me. Idiot….

But, OH, was I shocked to discover the evil truth after innocently wandering into the only worthwhile watering hole in town to spot these two ruffians menacingly perched in the corner. Actually, shocked is not the word for it; defecatingly frightened is more appropriate.

The one in the foreground is Bandai, a mistakenly mild-mannered fellow who fronts as an office worker for the local Board of Education. But, don’t be fooled by his seemingly benign appearance. This man is a tiger just looking to bite. He’d just as soon slap you as look at you, and wouldn’t even think twice about it. He basically acts as the strong-arm of the group.

The one in the background is Hiroki. He’s the brains of the operation whereas Bandai is the brawn. He masterminds all the jobs such as small time candy smuggling, illegal house cleaning operations, and dog pimping. Hey, they only live in a town of 2,500. It’s not like real criminal opportunities are shooting through the roof here.

Hershey's Hair Make


And you silly guys thought they only made chocolate. Jeesh…

Apparently the Hershey’s corporation has been doing a bit of experimenting under the radar outside of America lately. They now also make hair. Also, looks like Rogaine’s finally going to get one hell of a run for its money if this pans out. Because, whenever I think of Hershey’s, I think of chocolately goodness. And, whenever I think of Rogaine, well, I think of all those dicks on TV who promote it. So in my soon to come time of follicle need, you’ll know which one I’ll be choosing. Hersheys! I wonder if any chocolate by-products are used in the process? And, is a foil wrapper somehow involved?

Nishi-san & His Steaming Brew of Love


Women Beware! Getting within five steps of Nishi-sans infamous, steaming “Love Brew” may impair all sexual resistance skills.

Yes, folks, the word is out. Nishi-san has concocted the mother of all love brews, and his list of victims also continues to grow on a daily basis as if propelled by some mystical force, well, some mystical “love” force, that is.

Nishi-san claims he came up with the secret formula for his knock ‘em randy elixir, late one night in his mother’s basement. A formula he had been clandestinely developing since the 7th grade when the hormones started to tingle and girls became more than mere easy wedgy targets. It was at this point that a shattered Nishi-san soon discovered that female interest in him was lamentably low. Therefore, from that day forward, he was driven to develop a super formula that would cause, or force, any women who ingested it to instantly fall into a state of mad lust - directed at him, naturally.

Now he claims, after uncountable, and equally uncomfortable failures, to have finally found the perfect herbal combination, and by the looks of the women he’s been sharing company with as of late, it’s freaking true!

Oh, and by the way, his formula is not for sale. Why not? Well, duh, if everybody had it, than Nishi-san wouldn’t be special anymore, now would he?

Damn you, Nishi-san!

The Good Luck Poker House


You don’t think they might be being a bit sarcastic with the title, could they? Like, “Ya! Good Luck! HA HA HA HA!”

I wonder what a similar name for a brothel might be? “Hope You Don’t Get AIDs! Sex House.” Or for that matter, how about the “Knock ‘em Dead” shooting range, or the “We’ll Be Praying For, Ya” medical clinic, and finally the “Watch Your Cornhole” gay bar.


Well, they were funny to me at least.

We Are the 4 Banditos!


As money and entertainment were equally running short during the cruel north Hokkaido winter, a few of us decided to give banditry a try – just for kicks, really. And, I have to say, it was the most fulfilling 5 hours of my life. OK, a bit short-lived, but OH, the excitement of blasting off outdated machine guns at random strangers. You have got to try it. Damn, can those suckers run. Fucking hilarious.

Unfortunately, our outlaw careers were cut short due to scheduling conflicts in our early morning classes the next day. Big time disappointment, I know. But, what are going to do? Personally, I constantly dream of what could have been.

OK, OK, I’m kidding. We weren’t actually real life bandits, or even the cheesy fake kind like they have Knot’s Berry Farm, we were extras in a Japanese Docu-Drama they were filming up around Wakkanai. But, I totally had you there for a minute, didn’t I?

But, on that note, you have got to try being a German POW in a Siberian concentration camp at least once in your life. The cabbage soup… OH, absolutely fabulous. And, not to mention the clothes. Don’t even get me started on the clothes. Awesome! Totally Awesome! And the hardened Russian guards with a penchant for sodomy, totally cool! Nicest guys you will ever meet. Really!

Mrs Hira: Winner of the 2005 "Atsui Awards"


Well, folks, the ballots are in, and as expected, it was one hell of a race. But, in the end, Mrs. Hira of Nakatonbetsu Junior High School prevailed, and was officially declared the winner of the first ever “Atsui” Awards in the Hokkaido prefecture division.

So, you may just be asking yourself how this 29-year old small town schoolteacher pulled it off. Well, as one judge simply put it, “when you say the word “Atsui” (hot) a record number 2,342 times in a single school day, it doesn’t exactly hurt your chances. An amazing single day feat indeed, and one that will arguably remain unbroken for quite some time.”

When asked about the secret behind her success and talent for insistently complaining about the weather, she cited being a native of Wakkanai city (Japan’s northernmost settlement and universally considered colder-than-fuck city), as well as a hyperbolic hatred for all things warm, even soup, as reasons. After questioning her about the prospects of breaking her own record, Hira was quick to reply, “Atsui ne.” (It’s fucking hot in here, isn’t it?)